Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Randomize
