In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
Randomize
