Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Randomize
