please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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