you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
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