Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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