9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Randomize
