If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Randomize
