Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
Randomize
