Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
Randomize
