i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
