God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize