just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
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