I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
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