Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Randomize
