Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Randomize
