y did u give ur computer a hand job?
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
we're making bets on your personal life
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
