They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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