my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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