the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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