i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Randomize
