I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
