i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
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