what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
ttyl tear gas
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize
