If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
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