so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
two words: eviction party
i think i scared a bird with my dick
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
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