Can a clitoris grow tomatoes? Its symbolic and rhetorical.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
