What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
