I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Why are your pants in the freezer?
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Randomize
