Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
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