You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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