What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
should my penis look like a turkey
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
