After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
You should frame my arrest warrant.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
