My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Randomize
