I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
Randomize
