the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
