apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
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