stupid gm bankruptcy made me miss the showcase showdown
Those cock suckers. We need to know who's winning the hot tub and the vacation to the alps
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
