Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
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