the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
remember them days when you seriously wanted your mom to marry rev run and we would always talk shit about justine?
joeyyyy why you always taken cheeseburgers from me?!?!?!
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
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Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
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GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
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