dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
