Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
