dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Randomize
