just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
