there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
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