Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
