I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
