Hey man sorry I got all grabby
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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