True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
