Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
