Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
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