My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Randomize
