At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
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