found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
