Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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